A Good Day

Last night I cuddled my daughter in her bed as she struggled for breath. I sat her against my body to try to slow her breathing down, getting her to mirror her breath to mine. Techniques I had learnt when her brother had asthma attacks when he was a toddler, now used to battle Addie’s panic attacks.

Generally Addie is a regular 7-year old (8 on Thursday) She is a happy, popular, funny girl. She is clever and outspoken. She calls herself a “kid feminist” and is obsessed with women’s rights and aspires to be a powerful woman. But this year has been tough.

Addie is petrified of loss. She gets terrible anxiety over the thought of losing those she loves, possibly due to what happened to her when she was younger. She became clingy and had irrational thoughts about me getting ran over while I wasn’t with her. She pulled holes in her clothes, picked the leather off her shoes and cried an awful lot.

Losing our Grandad on New Years Eve added to her anxiety. Addie started having panic attacks and often cried till she was hyperventilating. Last night I held her through one of these attacks but I know things have shifted again in her mind. She had been told in the past (not by me I might add) that she shouldn’t cry, she is slowly learning that it is ok if she needs to and that holding things in only make her feel worse. This is the first attack for about a month and her self-control to come through it was evident.

Addie can now talk about how she is feeling, she is strong enough to share her worries and her fears. This morning she woke happy and was back to talking about scientists and celebrities.

Today is a good day and there are becoming more of these than there are the bad ones.

On Thursday Addie will turn 8. She is the most interesting girl in the world and I am so proud to call her my best friend. I have absolutely no doubt that she will be and do exactly what she wants in life. I am excited to share a whole lifetime of Good Days together. Happy Birthday Addie Rose

The Birthday Card Stash

“Opening the drawer in the kitchen you would find a huge stash of cards for every occasion. Birthday’s, christenings, weddings, everything you could think of were there just incase. She was popular enough to need one at the last minute…”oh Shirl, you must come to my sisters party tonight”

When she died my Grandad used her stash with no regards to what occasion he was attending, much to our amusement. We looked forward to seeing what card we would be given this time. The highlight was my Dad recieving a card on his birthday with a teddy in a pink car congratulating some 17 year old girl on passing her test. I can imagine my Gran’s comments now (with an obligatory eye roll for Grandad Bill) ”

I have my own card stash now…just incase or maybe just for the memories of you. One of many fantastic memories that never go away or fade. Now I am older I realise how badass you were…you loved a party, a holiday, spending time with friends but most of all you loved us. You were the first people I knew that had Sky TV and you let us watch hours of Nickelodeon, you let us use your makeup (which was of course kept under the sink in the kitchen?!?!), you fed us to the point of being sick. You always brought our favourite treats…a chocolate orange bar for me, a daim for Nicole. You showed me how to enter all the competitions in your magazines although I’m pretty sure I never saw you win a prize. You hung out with your friends who circled your kitchen table, smoking fags and gossiping.

Your house was the most welcoming I have ever known. Everyday there would be at least two or three people that would pop in to say hello and I loved being a part of all that.

You let us get away with murder….would spoil us endlessly.

From the day I met you I felt at ease in your company. Who needs genetics when there is a love as strong as yours.

And this is why we love you and miss you endlessly…the days without you go on but always with a little space where something is missing.

I was 17 when you died. I had never known somebody have cancer before. I’m sure there were times when you looked so poorly but I can only remember you flawless as always, even in a hospital bed. I never quite understood that you were going to die.

Today you come to me in places where I never knew you would, I remember you more on days when I aren’t expecting to. There are days when I feel so alone in this world yet I know you are always there with me. You accepted me into your life and family with such open arms back then and  since that day I have never really been alone again.

Thank you for teaching us the importance of having fun, thank you for looking over us. We love you and miss you always Granny Shirl xx