The Shelf 

Say Hello to the last single girl in her friend group. All my mates have slowly got coupled up, settled down or married leaving just me ( currently in a relationship with a large Pimms, Love Island and my new cheek illuminator)

My friend married her childhood sweetheart, she left school with her future husband whereas I left with a brown envelope of B’s and C’s and a snog from a popular boy behind a prefab.

My long-term loved up friends have never had to understand the struggle of sex and dating in 2017. We laughed over wine while I told her the only man (boy??) I even slightly liked in real life was completely inappropriate and showed her how Tinder worked.

So for those of you who’ve never had the pleasure (??) of using it here is my rundown of Tinder.

(I talk about it from my viewpoint, a girl looking for a guy. Obviously there are other options on Tinder that are just as common, most probably just as ridiculous and as wonderful as my experience)

1.The Basics

So you set up your profile, put in the age/gender/location of who you want to meet and you’re good to go. Pictures of guys pop up and you swipe left if they’re horrific (there’s no time for personality on Tinder, it is brutal) right if there’s a possibility they might be a babe or up if you’re an absolute Keeno and want to “Super Like” them. If you both swipe right for each other you become a Match and you can message each other until you get a hotter match and accidentally forget about your other ones.

2. Hey 

The Beiber of the Tinder message world. It is just absolutely everywhere!! “Hey” is Tinder’s go-to greeting. Don’t ask what is wrong with Hi or Hello but they just don’t happen. (Sometimes the opening line is “Hey, how’s you?” which is the absolute worst- just stick with Hey.

3. Naughtiness 

Hands down if you don’t have a good sense of humour Tinder is not gonna be for you!!!!! You will get THE naughtiest messages! The most normal looking guy will ask you the dirtiest questions, suggest the most disgusting things and if you don’t laugh it off you are going to be seriously offended. For the other extreme please see Plenty of Fish for some serious melts!

4. Photos

According to Tinder profile pictures…90 % of guys have traveled the world, had their photo taken with a sedated tiger, worked as a personal trainer and walked around with their mates continuously pointing at them. The pointing is a good thing…at least you can tell who the profile belongs to… I will never swipe right when all the pictures are group ones, there’s always a chance it’s that creepy guy on the end of the group selfie. There are also the weirdest pictures. I have seen…..

Just children (no sign of the guy on any of them)

Pictures of someone’s gravestone

Couple pictures (yet no mention of group activities)

Dogs (there are loads of dog pictures!)

A wedding photo

Some Easter eggs

One of those naff  “man-u” quote pictures

5. Married? 

Here’s the bit that is going to freak out all my friends who read this. Some of your husbands/boyfriends are on Tinder! Not many but more than one or two. I’d like to think they are just too stupid to realise it’s a dating app but they’re possibly just too stupid to realise that people like me will see that they’re on it.

6. Accidents 

There have been a few occasions when I’ve been looking through Tinder while I’m half asleep and swiped the wrong way while nodding off. Luckily you can delete a match when you realise that 20 year old chav has appeared on your Match list

7.Jamie,Geoffrey and that S&M guy 

I have speed swiped through beautiful looking boys by mistake, gone forever just as you realise that they actually could have been everything. Yet some guys pop up constantly….not matter how many times you swipe left. Either they have thousands of profiles, they’re bots or there’s a massive glitch in the app.

Speaking of Bots- according to my guy friends there are loads of girl bots to match with who will try to get you to sign up to porn sites/ send money etc. I have never matched with a guy bot but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Be careful guys

8. Friends

It’s always a bit awkward coming across guys you know in real life and never knowing whether to attempt a right swipe. I know some girls swipe right for anyone they know….I’m all for only doing it but just if you actually fancy them ( a little bit….you know who you are. Don’t get too excited! Haha)

9. Catfish 

Please watch seasons 1-6 of MTV’s Catfish even if just to learn the art of reverse image searching. Do not believe everyone online is who they say they are…I know of some real life horror stories and I’m sure you do too, be careful.

10. Fun

Remember that Tinder is meant to be fun…yes some people have married their Tinder matches or have had really great hook ups but these are few and far between. I have met up with two people that I met on there….one was awful, one was great..Both led to nothing.

I’d love to hear your Tinder successes or horror stories as well as your comments and opinions as always.