It Just Didn’t Work Out 

Warsan Shire is my favourite female poet. Her poems of nationality and family and struggles are loved by many. Even Beyoncé used Warsan’s words on her critically acclaimed Lemonade album. When Warsan talks about “why we failed at love” in the poem above, the list is heart wrenching and beautifuly sad. I find myself relating her “excuses” to my own breakups, that end of the world feeling that we have all had when a relationship breaks down. 

The classic words “it’s not you, it’s me!” always leave you with self doubt, reasons that make you know it is in fact you. Your fault, your issues, reasons why no one will ever love you again. 

Obviously time heals the most horrible of breakups. The truth is over time someone will love you and make the excuses/reasons from before seem crazy. 

I asked my friends for their breakup stories, reasons why they were dumped, why they left their ex’s, why love didn’t last. Instead of being poetic and life affirming and heartbreaking most are simply hilarious. Thanks for your contributions and thanks to a couple of my exs (numbers 1-4 belong to you, arseholes) 

34 “New” Excuses For Why We Failed at Love

  1. His Grandma died
  2. I was too boring 
  3. I wasn’t accepting of his choices (because I had an issue with him sharing a bed with his ex)
  4. I expected too much of him (when he wouldn’t celebrate my birthday) 
  5. He didn’t want to be with someone who had children
  6. He didn’t buy valentines presents 
  7. She had a huge Minnie Mouse tattoo
  8. He cried way too much
  9. He couldn’t celebrate our anniversary because his cow had been put down.
  10. “I don’t think I can stop myself from sleeping with pretty girls”
  11. He called me Hun
  12. I didn’t have the same hobbies (gambling and weight training)
  13. He liked his car more than me
  14. “Your soul is not good enough to be loved”
  15. Because my parents were divorced and he “just hated divorce”
  16. I was too tall
  17. She was the slowest eater ever
  18. He bragged he was a “compulsive masturbator” (his words)
  19. She said “Cold Slaw”
  20. I didn’t clean a dirty mark that the dog had made on the wall
  21. I cut my hair
  22. He liked my best friend more than me
  23. She said my head was too small for my body
  24. She smelt like my mum 
  25. He had a “micro-penis”
  26. He had an ex with the same name as me and couldnt get over that
  27. I was “too forward” for saying tit in front of her mum 
  28. He didn’t want a child (yet had a baby straight away with his next girlfriend) 
  29. A psychic told her to leave me
  30. Because I was sweaty on a date 
  31. He loved me but hated how I looked
  32. “My mum thinks you have a bitchy face”
  33. He bought himself an ice cream but didn’t offer to get me one
  34. He just left one day and I never heard from him again.

I can’t see us winning Young Poet Laureate from that beauty but it’s brilliantly funny