Stepping Up

I don’t remember meeting you for the first time. I remember the moments before, a vague memory of waiting in front of our little house, looking out for your car to pull up and feeling excited and nervous to meet you.

I didn’t know then the importance of this meeting, the major influence that one moment had on the rest of my life.

You have been my dad for over 30 years. I often wonder how you felt back then about falling in love with a lady with a ready made family when you were so young but I am so grateful for the fact that you did. Grateful also that you embraced it, loved me and took me on as your own child.

Over the years you have stood up for me, supported me. Helped me out when I made bad choices and cheered me on when I made good ones.

You have picked me up from rock bottom, I have always felt safe because of you, knowing you could help me fight through the worst times.

Because of you I gained the most amazing family. As far back as I can remember I was always welcomed, especially by Granny and I never felt left out or different from the rest of the family.

You have stood up for me against those who tried to destroy me. You cared too much about the consequences it would have on me to kick their arse but showed that we were strong and not afraid to fight for what was right and for the feelings of my children.

You are the type of Grandad they write picture books about. Kind, loving, funny and always happy to have fun.Rory and Addie love you so much.

So a huge Happy 50th Birthday to the man who got stuck with me as part of a package deal. I can only dream of meeting someone who can step-up for my children like you have done for me.

we cannot wait to celebrate with you, have the best day Bald. Love you always xx

A Good Day

Last night I cuddled my daughter in her bed as she struggled for breath. I sat her against my body to try to slow her breathing down, getting her to mirror her breath to mine. Techniques I had learnt when her brother had asthma attacks when he was a toddler, now used to battle Addie’s panic attacks.

Generally Addie is a regular 7-year old (8 on Thursday) She is a happy, popular, funny girl. She is clever and outspoken. She calls herself a “kid feminist” and is obsessed with women’s rights and aspires to be a powerful woman. But this year has been tough.

Addie is petrified of loss. She gets terrible anxiety over the thought of losing those she loves, possibly due to what happened to her when she was younger. She became clingy and had irrational thoughts about me getting ran over while I wasn’t with her. She pulled holes in her clothes, picked the leather off her shoes and cried an awful lot.

Losing our Grandad on New Years Eve added to her anxiety. Addie started having panic attacks and often cried till she was hyperventilating. Last night I held her through one of these attacks but I know things have shifted again in her mind. She had been told in the past (not by me I might add) that she shouldn’t cry, she is slowly learning that it is ok if she needs to and that holding things in only make her feel worse. This is the first attack for about a month and her self-control to come through it was evident.

Addie can now talk about how she is feeling, she is strong enough to share her worries and her fears. This morning she woke happy and was back to talking about scientists and celebrities.

Today is a good day and there are becoming more of these than there are the bad ones.

On Thursday Addie will turn 8. She is the most interesting girl in the world and I am so proud to call her my best friend. I have absolutely no doubt that she will be and do exactly what she wants in life. I am excited to share a whole lifetime of Good Days together. Happy Birthday Addie Rose