It Just Didn’t Work Out 

Warsan Shire is my favourite female poet. Her poems of nationality and family and struggles are loved by many. Even Beyoncé used Warsan’s words on her critically acclaimed Lemonade album. When Warsan talks about “why we failed at love” in the poem above, the list is heart wrenching and beautifuly sad. I find myself relating her “excuses” to my own breakups, that end of the world feeling that we have all had when a relationship breaks down. 

The classic words “it’s not you, it’s me!” always leave you with self doubt, reasons that make you know it is in fact you. Your fault, your issues, reasons why no one will ever love you again. 

Obviously time heals the most horrible of breakups. The truth is over time someone will love you and make the excuses/reasons from before seem crazy. 

I asked my friends for their breakup stories, reasons why they were dumped, why they left their ex’s, why love didn’t last. Instead of being poetic and life affirming and heartbreaking most are simply hilarious. Thanks for your contributions and thanks to a couple of my exs (numbers 1-4 belong to you, arseholes) 

34 “New” Excuses For Why We Failed at Love

  1. His Grandma died
  2. I was too boring 
  3. I wasn’t accepting of his choices (because I had an issue with him sharing a bed with his ex)
  4. I expected too much of him (when he wouldn’t celebrate my birthday) 
  5. He didn’t want to be with someone who had children
  6. He didn’t buy valentines presents 
  7. She had a huge Minnie Mouse tattoo
  8. He cried way too much
  9. He couldn’t celebrate our anniversary because his cow had been put down.
  10. “I don’t think I can stop myself from sleeping with pretty girls”
  11. He called me Hun
  12. I didn’t have the same hobbies (gambling and weight training)
  13. He liked his car more than me
  14. “Your soul is not good enough to be loved”
  15. Because my parents were divorced and he “just hated divorce”
  16. I was too tall
  17. She was the slowest eater ever
  18. He bragged he was a “compulsive masturbator” (his words)
  19. She said “Cold Slaw”
  20. I didn’t clean a dirty mark that the dog had made on the wall
  21. I cut my hair
  22. He liked my best friend more than me
  23. She said my head was too small for my body
  24. She smelt like my mum 
  25. He had a “micro-penis”
  26. He had an ex with the same name as me and couldnt get over that
  27. I was “too forward” for saying tit in front of her mum 
  28. He didn’t want a child (yet had a baby straight away with his next girlfriend) 
  29. A psychic told her to leave me
  30. Because I was sweaty on a date 
  31. He loved me but hated how I looked
  32. “My mum thinks you have a bitchy face”
  33. He bought himself an ice cream but didn’t offer to get me one
  34. He just left one day and I never heard from him again.

I can’t see us winning Young Poet Laureate from that beauty but it’s brilliantly funny


An Ode to The Mum Bod

With Mother’s Day coming up I wanted to talk about people’s idea’s of what being a mum looks like. I always knew I would never be a “yummy mummy” I’m too tight to dress my children fully in designer clothes. They didn’t have a routine and I couldn’t be arsed to make my own baby food. There is no way I could get to be a size 6 and I don’t know how your meant to fold down a buggy in a pair of stilletos.

A few months back a new trend of mums seemed to be popular. Mums that weren’t afraid to show “the real side of parenting” oooh this might be more me, I thought. Yet as empowering as it seems I’ve also started to have an issue with the “Mum Bod”. Instagram posts of curvy mums breastfeeding and sporting a 3 day old messy bun are great but what if you fit into that category as little as you do into the “perfect mum” mould. 

In honour of mums everywhere that don’t quite fit any moulds, here is the breakdown of my “Mum Bod” 

Feet. My feet ache from miles and miles of pram pushing and welly walks. They also ache from rushing round for 8 hours at work, dancing till 4am on nights out and wearing heels that don’t fit quite right.

The Private Parts. They change!!!!!!!! Or do they. Who noticed? I don’t have many memories of what my pre-childbirth genetalia looked like so I can’t go into great detail about the changes. It is still there and it still works. What is there to worry about? 

Stomach. Instagram “mum bods” will have you thinking we’re all a bit flabby. You housed a baby in there for 9 months so things are bound to stretch. Believe it or not some of us stretch and return to normal! Some Mum Bods are toned, some are skinny. It’s not to do with being lucky or priorities, it’s just how it is and it should be as acceptable as a bit of flab can be. 

Stretch Marks. I got one stretch mark when I had Rory, two more when I had Addie. I’d make a pretty shit tiger! 

Boobs. The only time my boobs were big was when I was pregnant. They were a HUGE letdown though. The agony lasted way longer than the “kicked in the fanny” feeling of childbirth. They weren’t fit for purpose. I couldn’t breastfeed and was at times made to feel like a second class citizen because of it. My babies were full and fat regardless of being poor bottle fed urchins! The boobs returned to normal size and didn’t sag meaning I am unable to take saggy boob bra pictures for likes. 

Hair. Some days I have a “Mum Bun”, sometimes I spend hours curling my hair. I’m honestly just grateful that the new baby baldness grew back! 

Brain. I have spoke in detail about what happened to my brain after becoming a mum. I couldn’t step foot out of the door some days so again an Instagram picture of me in a grey bra with a toddler hanging off my leg was never going to happen. 

So there we have it. My Mum Bod. Happy Mother’s Day to you all, whether you are an alpha-mum, a tiger, a boss, a hot mum or a unicorn mum (what even is a unicorn mum??…they’re just making these things up now!)  You have managed to feed and clothe your children today so celebrate by undoing that mum bun and taking off your washed out bra and relax! 

She Lays Down 

And she lays down on her bedroom floor, the chemicals that made her laugh don’t seem to be working anymore” 

She Lays Down – The 1975

Bare with me with this one….believe me it was as difficult to write as it probably is to read. 

When I had Rory I was alone, a young single mum that was paranoid. Scared about how people saw me and what they thought of me. I was nervous, things were hard but I was happy.

When I had Addie I had everything I thought I needed, a family, a home, money, stability yet most days I struggled to even leave the house. I cried at the thought of going out in public. A lunch date with friends saw me being sick for an hour before I left the house. 

The only ideas of postnatal depression that I had were that Mums didn’t bond with their babies and they wanted to die. This wasn’t me. I loved Addie, I was obsessed with everything about her, I wanted to show her off I just couldn’t psysically bring myself to go out and do it. I didn’t think I had postnatal depression I just thought I was losing my mind. 

When Addie was about 3 months old my boyfriend didn’t come home after a night out, when he did he had a phone full of messages to and from a girl (I know I’m a psycho for even looking). Looking back now I obviously should have done more about my relationship then. He was a dick but I relied on him too much to do anything about it. I knew at that point though that I had to get better, for myself and my children. I needed to take control.

Going to the doctors and saying “I think I’m depressed” was one of the hardest things for me. I didn’t think I was unwell enough for them to care. I had bonded, I didn’t want to kill myself, It hadnt been a traumatic birth. I was obviously wrong. Turns out that sometimes you can be depressed for no real reasons, sometimes the chemicals in your brain do something weird and just make you feel that way. I got help and I could function again. 

When that boyfriend left a few years later the depression came back in a second, like it was always there, hiding just under the skin, waiting. Again I cried all day, I slept for hours and hours, I didn’t eat for a month, barely left the house. This time however I recognised the signs, this time no chemical imbalance just trauma from the actions of a bellend but still the same old depression. I chose to be medicated and undergo a short course of CBT. 

I was lucky that I had friends and family to help me through these stages. I did however worry that the only advice I had from my therapist was to “get out there” “do things” “join some clubs/groups” impossible when I couldn’t even get dressed most days. I worry what happens to women who don’t have that support network. My depression could have ruined my life, there were times when I felt at rock bottom. 

Him leaving was the best thing to ever happen to us, my darkest times replaced by my strongest. I am proud that I have become the woman I have, I took charge. My children are happy, we love each other’s company, love life and each other. Who can ask for anything more than that?  

If you are struggling right now my only advice would be to talk to someone, a friend, a loved one or a stranger (even me if you have no one). That person may not have all the answers…fuck they might not have any but I can guarantee they will do all they can to help you find them. 

Check out PANDAS UK, Mothers for Mothers, PND UK  for support and advice concerning  postnatal depression and MIND for help and advice when it comes to all forms of depression. 

Things That We Loved In February 

 Wow! Well that month went fast didn’t it.  Has time always flown by so quickly or is it just because I’m an old person now!?Here’s what we loved last Month…..

Animals. Half term was a struggle. I admit entertaining my kids for a full week isn’t the easiest thing…luckily we got off to a great start. A wonderful day out at “Winter at Flamingo Land”. Just £10 each for a walk round the zoo, some of the little kids rides and the shows (pirates, sea lions etc) My kids aren’t really bothered by the bigger rides so I’m always livid when I have to pay over £30 each for a ticket in the summer so this is perfect for us as a family. Winter at Flamingo Land ends April 1st when the full park reopens. And they have a baby giraffe and it’s super cute! Aww  Flamingo Land

Local Favourite- February meant we had our first Teare Wood’s ice cream of the year!  Made from milk from their own dairy herd Teare Woods do the most amazing ice cream flavours. (Cotton Candy was Rory and Addie’s choice this day) oh and the do yummy cakes, yummy lunch, yummy coffee etc. Check out their Friday Night Tapas too

Teare Woods

Bows. I refuse to buy a Jojo bow. I hate them, I just hate the material and the faddishness and that girls are mean if you don’t have the right type. Thank fuck Addie isn’t that bothered. What we do love are these cute little bows from Beckii’s Bowtique gorgeous handmade hair accessories and amazing speedy service. Beckii also does bespoke orders, perfect for special occasions or if your a weirdo like me and slightly obsessed with matching accessories! Beckii’s Bowtique

Music with Friends. The happiest I can ever be is watching live music with my best friends. February saw a very drunk, happy evening spent with some of my favourite people watching The Battery Parade.

A fantastic local band gigging in the Whitby area who play a mix of punk, indie and rock. They get a special mention for covering a couple of Gaslight Anthem songs (my favourite band)   The Battery Parade

Obviously our coolness was inevitably ruined by finishing the night dancing to a shit DJ in another bar (why didn’t he have that new Katy Perry song? Haha) and then paying for a greasy burger with a fivers worth of 20p’s. You cant beat nights like that 

Already excited to see what March has to bring…if today’s anything to go by I’ll be writing a blog post about washing kids clothes and watching programs about all you can eat buffets!